I Must Have Had A Wedding Pseudo-Nightmare

Yep. You heard me right. I had a pseudo wedding nightmare. Why a pseudo nightmare? Mostly because I did not wake up in a cold sweat screaming. It wasn't that bad (depending on what you personally find to be a nightmare in wedding planning gone wrong). I'll share what I do remember... but I apologize in advance for things that don't quite make sense. It's a dream, remember?

It was the morning of my wedding. I was preparing myself the way you normally would for a day of such gravity. After I was done, I got into the car with one of my bridesmaids to go to the church. Once we arrived, I remembered that I had forgotten my engagement ring (this actually did happen to me for our real life civil ceremony) and we needed to go back. We had a brief discussion about if I really needed the ring and the time it would take, blah blah blah, but we did go back.

(fast forward through things I do not remember as more than a blur)


Then I for some reason needed to change the bridesmaid line up. Somebody needed to be added but did not have a dress (completely bizarre considering it was the day of). So we went to a place like Nordstrom. And I remember my mobile phone was acting up. I had sent text messages to my other bridesmaids but received two responses that could not be read due to "network traffic" (this could be carry over from my game's traffic issues this past week).

While the BM I was with was trying on her dresses, I was checking myself out in the mirror. I remember the dress being cream-colored, form-fitting, and lacy. I remember it looked d*mn sexy on me! But then I panicked because you could see the sexy black undergarments I had on underneath. Big wedding dress no-no. So I had to get home so I could change into some nude-colored undies.

We eventually got back to my place and while I was rooting around looking for undies that were not only nude but also in the correct size (for some reason there were like 3 different sizes in the drawer). I looked over at the clock on the nearby table and noticed it was 8:47pm. I was like, "Oh no! We'll never get married today! Look at the time!" So nude undies found, I went tearing through my room looking for the documents we would need to authorize (yes, authorize) a marriage the next day since we probably would not manage to get it done today.

And then I was woken up by the reverse gear beeping of the Sperrmüll truck outside. Thank goodness!

So what did we learn, folks? We learned that I need to remember:

1. NO black undies
2. Make sure all bridesmaids are on MY schedule and not adding folks at the last minute
3. I apparently look sexy in cream lace (maybe in the future, but not today)
4. Make a packing list for the day of so as not to forget the important things (again)
5. Call people if your text messages go through
6. Beware of 8:47pm!

Have you had a pre-wedding dream? Did you learn anything from it?

You Must Be Bridled by Your Bridal Regime

I read wedding blogs. Yes, I know. Don't laugh! Honestly, when you are planning a wedding and have no idea, Google is your best friend. And oh boy does your new bestie know lots of new places for you to find a million ideas, help you obsess about things you didn't know existed before, and of course, aid you in tremendous losses of time. (Insert endless cache of bridal blogs out there.)

Of course, one thing that keeps coming up as a blog topic is the "Bridal Regime." You know what I'm talking about. The I'm-changing-how-I-eat-and-wash-my-face-and-sleep-and-work-out-because-I'm-getting-married-in-X-amount-of-months regime.

This bride does not look as horrified as I feel knowing this really exists. Source.

And, sadly, I get it.

I get the desire to be the most beautiful that you can be on the day that you cross over into the great forever with the one person who makes you complete. I get the need to be gorgeous and perfect in the costly photos that you will show to your children and children's children (and anyone else who will be gracious enough to look). I completely understand that it is the one day in your life where you get to be a real princess and everyone loves you and (pretty genuinely) oohs and ahhs over how wonderful you look. I really feel it that you want to feel perfect. I do.

But...

I get sad when there are girls like me (read: Plus Sized or Full Figured or Husky or Whatever Other Supposedly "Feel Good" Euphemism people tend to use in order not to say fat) who are torturing themselves to fit an unrealistic stereotype of the "Perfect Bride." I mean, that person to whom you are engaged loved you when they asked you to marry them and you were not the stereotypical "perfect" then and they still loved you enough to want to do forever together.

(I will now step down from my soapbox.)

But this is about me. And yes, I'd love to be a size 4 on my wedding day. I know it will not happen. I'm trying to minimize the cost of wedding day flowers, so I just cannot afford that much lipo. Instead, I am using my wedding as a way to reinforce the lifestyle changes I engaged in last April because I want to be healthier, live longer, and enjoy life more... even after the wedding.

I'm eating more of these. Lots more. They are really, really yummy. Source.

I have to keep in mind that there's a lot more life after the wedding and it's called marriage. And looking perfect in my wedding dress does not guarantee marriage will be better than if I looked a little less perfect. My Bridal Regime is really just the beginning of a Lifestyle Regime.


On the flip side, there are plenty of brides who are completely comfortable with themselves and are changing not. a. thing. for their wedding days. I appreciate this immensely. So if you're one of those, have another cookie for me and keep loving you for you because that's just great.

This Wedding Planning Show Must Go On the Road

Like I explained in this post yesterday, I will be temporarily moving in with my inlaws next week. After the initial freak out of having to separate from Mr. Fox after only 5 months of being physically together, I began to make a list of the things I will need to keep this wedding planning show going.

Before I began making my packing list I thought, "Oh, no big deal. I'll only have to take a few things," and Mr. Fox thought, "I don't know if the car is big enough." Oh, that contrary Mr. Fox!

Well, the list making began steadily enough: clothes, toiletries, shoes.

I cannot honestly say that I have never had this experience. Source.

Then it hit me that I would be away during the time that I had allotted for my invitation creation (since we I have decided that it will be more cost effective to make the invitations. I mean it's just paper, right?). The list then had to include: printer, paper samples, paper cutter. But then I remembered that I wanted to make a custom stamp for all our custom stationery and the list grew to accommodate: my box of random crafting things (it's almost impossible to list all the stuff inside). Oh! And I can't forget the list of things that I was going to order to do trials for various decorations.

But then I also had to remember that I'm recommitting myself to my plant strong eating plan and will need my blender for green smoothies. And that the smoothies will need to be portable so I will need to bring my smoothie cups. Also the smoothie cups will need straws and special cleaning tools to get in all the nooks and crannies and ginger and frozen fruits and and and...

And of course I started to freak out... once more.

Mr. Fox to the rescue! He brings with him his engineer-y-ness and a calendar. Since he works in Germany, there are an a**load of vacation days in April and May. So he sits down with me and my hyperventilating self and illustrates how we will not be apart for three whole months like before, we will only be apart for, at max, three short weeks at a time.

(insert my dance of happiness and return to calm)

Snoopy's a better dancer than me. Source.

Now calm again, I was able to return to list making.

Mr. Fox may have been right about the car not being big enough. (But don't tell him that.)

You Must Have Bad to Properly Enjoy the Good

So we've got two types of news to share today: bad and good. Which would you rather hear first? Of course. Let's start with the bad.

Bad News: Because I am an immigrant (which I talked about briefly in this post), I am required to be able to speak the French language. Not terrible news except... it requires that Mr. Fox and I live apart.

So next weekend I will effectively be moving in with mes beau parents (my inlaws) in order to take my intensive French lessons. I'll be French apprend-ing 4 days a week for 3 to 6 hours a day. It's definitely going to be intense! The schedule is set for 3 months but I only have to take it until I can pass the exam. Thus I'm populating my book arsenal with publications like this:

It's okay for learning the basics.  Be a dummy no more!

And this:

It's the French Grammar bible, baby!

I'm trying to make this stay as short as possible. Not that I don't love my inlaws, but I love my husband more. We worked über hard to be together. It's a huge slap in the face that after a mere 5 months together that we will have to be separated yet again. Back to phone calls, emails, and Skype. Back to sleeping alone. Back to no hugs when we are sad. Back to not being able to see him smile.

We are sad.

This face accurately depicts how we feel right now. 

Oh, but I promised some good news right? Okay, here it is:

Good News: In a few short months I will be able to speak French. This means that I will understand the basic conversation during family gatherings, I can order food at a restaurant, I will be able speak freely with the French guests at my wedding, and most importantly I will understand the ceremony as we are married.

It's not a complete loss.

We Must Sometimes Find Ourselves Humbled

Today, I found a new wedding blog called A Practical Wedding. It's cute, it's real, and I like it. Scrolling through the pages and voyeuristically enjoying other peoples' weddings, I stumbled upon this post: Is Marriage An Economic Privilege?

I read it. All the way through. And I cried a little. I read the original NYT article she referred to and was saddened by it. I know that story so well. The blog author's point of view of the article and back story are so close to my own. It's humbling to read what she wrote because I know that it is true: marriage is a luxury good.

It's true for me.

I feel humbled and again, I know I'm really a lucky girl.

My Head Must Have Adornments

To veil or not to veil. Someone has asked this question of me, in some form, several times thus far. I honestly have no clue. I have no strong feeling either way. Mostly I do not wear things in my hair. I wear it up,

Hair up.

I wear it down.

Hair down.

I have curly, crazy curly hair. I have a big head and my hair makes it even bigger. I love this style:

Diana Ross's hair is wild and free. Gorgeous hair all over the place. Source.

Though I don't have the moxie to rock wild every day, I usually let my hair roam free. So hair accessories are not something I'm accustomed to. Yes, I know. Not many people wear a veil every day and there are lots of options when it comes to bridal hair wear. But I'm completely undecided. I want to wear something that is completely me. Unfortunately, completely me equals big hair with no adornments, meaning no veil. 

My mother does not approve. 

So I'm testing the waters, doing my research, and trying on hair stuff. Yesterday, I tried on this neat hair thingy...

Gorgeousness! Source.

...and fell in love!!! It was sassy, it was comfy, it was super cute on my giant head. But, yes, it's black. And no, the wedding style in my head will not support black headwear. Back to the drawing board, better armed with the information that I apparently love the style of a birdcage veil.

You Must Have a Big, White Wedding?

How many reality shows can you see on TV depicting the ultimate, must have, to-die-for wedding? I don't watch TV, so I don't really know. (According to BridesTelevision.com there are 18.) What I do know is that once I got engaged and started asking others for advice and recommendations, people overwhelmingly recommended that I watch these shows. I had no real idea of the things that were expected of me, so I acquiesced.

Courtesy of TLC's website, I was able to spend several hours of a lovely Sunday afternoon watching "Say Yes to the Dress Big Bliss" since these brides were more like me in many, many ways. (More about the dresscapades later.) But one thing that really stayed with me was the cost of these things! So many of the girls went in there saying their dress budget was $3,000. I mean whoa! Yikes type expensive! So I talked this over with Mr. Fox, he too was really floored by the expense.

Mr. Fox: (scared and hesitant) Do you need to have a $3,000 dress? I mean it's only one day. A big, important day, but still only one day.

Me: (dubiously) Well, I don't nee-eed one, but wouldn't ree-eally be opposed to having one if we could ree-eally afford it.

Mr. Fox: (even more scared, almost in a whisper) Do you think we can afford it?

Me: (confidently) Of course not!

Mr. Fox breathed a sigh of relief. Every time I brought up a new bit of wedding-ness in the beginning of our planning, usually brought on by a recent perusal of wedding websites and such, he seemed to tense up and brace himself for the outflow of cash that would be required. However, though I find myself momentarily caught up in the whirlwind of Big, White Wedding Must Haves, I try to really parse out what is important and what is not and stay grounded. We do not need to spend $50,000 to be married. Mr. Fox is now able to relax about the spending since he's (relatively) sure I won't turn into a crazy Bridezilla.

I find it sad that in the end, for many people the wedding is more about the designer of the dress and the beauty of the centerpieces than the real reason we all get together: to celebrate the union of two people in love. This can be done over a bucket of chicken in the backyard of your house and still be as beautiful and meaningful as a super expensive Tiffany diamond-encrusted soiree. After all, you'll still be just as married and you'll also still be able to use your credit cards to buy another bucket next week!

Mmm, chicken!

Must Have A System of Organization

A wedding is a project by definition. It has a specific outcome. It has definite start and end points. It is temporary. It can be broken up into smaller tasks and deliverables. All the things that a Project Management Institute project is required to have in order to be a project.

The Project Manager's Bible.

I study Project Management. I'm halfway through a Masters program in Project Management. So I should be organized. Yup. Operative word: should.

My work area is usually a system of piles. I know what goes in each pile and why. I have no trouble finding what I need to find unless I've actually tried to be conventionally organized and put it away in a filing cabinet or something. So of course, I think I'm organized.

Enter wedding planning.

I knew from the start that I should simply treat the whole wedding planning thing as a simple project, no different from anything I've studied or completed at work. But I have the hardest time trying to fit this thing into that rigid project box because I am emotionally involved. So I freak out sometimes. There's no room in project management for freaking out.

Sometimes You Must Feel Like An A**

I am having a case of writers' block. I didn't know why until just a few moments ago: it's because I feel like a Grade A A**hole.

Last week, I wrote the post Being BiContinental Means You Must Have Cash detailing the dilemma surrounding the location of our wedding, either somewhere in the US or France. I had a really hard time writing that post. It took me all day and several sessions to get it out and keep it from being a novel. I wanted to emphasize that my family would probably not be able to afford a trip to Colorado or New Jersey and that having it in France would be equally as difficult and expensive for them. I recall it being very important to explain the situation well enough so that I didn't make myself seem too much of a d*ck who is just super selfish and not really considering the financial woes of others. 


I think I failed at that. Failed terribly. 


The post is on my mind and has been since I put it out there. I'm having a hard time being witty while I feel like I wrote something that wasn't completely true. But maybe it was genuine and I am a d*ck.


In the end, I've realized that this whole wedding planning thing has forced me to discover and admit quite a few things about my personality, my family, and my reality.


As far as my family is concerned, I've had to admit to myself that we simply are not close. My mother's side of the family is really, really huge. There were 20 children. I've got aunts and uncles I have never met because they either live on Guam or were deceased before I was born. I've got goodness knows how many cousins, and they've got quite a few kids between them. We had a family reunion for my mother's side of the family in 2009 and so few of those invited actually came. Yes, it had a lot to do with money (we are far from being wealthy people, about that there was no lie) but it also had to do with us just not being close. Like so un-close that there are relatives that are completely uninterested in getting to know the rest of us. 


And I struggle with this. 


So, in all honesty, besides France being a super awesome place to get hitched, I have also chosen it because it gives people a convenient excuse not to attend. If their RSVP comes back with regrets (or not at all), my feelings will at least be less hurt because I can think that they simply cannot afford it, not that they don't want to know me. 

Musn't We Have a Birthday Aftermath Update?

Hello again! I am fully recovered from Thursday evening's low-key birthday bash and returning to writing. I am officially 32!

This birthday thing relates to my wedding planning in the following way: because I was so wrapped up in planning my wedding and blogging and ideating and such, I had completely forgotten to plan anything for my birthday. Yes, in the back of my mind I knew it was coming, but I just didn't think about how to celebrate it. So I put (mostly) everything wedding on hold this week and plunged head first into birthday planning... and it caused me to freak out.

I decided that I didn't want to do anything at a restaurant and also did not want to go through the hassle of cooking a full meal. I chose to host an apéritif dînatoire. According to Wini Moranville, author of "The Bonne Femme Cookbook", "the term translates, roughly, as a “dinner-esque cocktail party,” in essence, this is what the French might call a tapas party…if they weren’t French. The idea is to bring together lots of varied and somewhat sophisticated nibbles and bites, making sure there’s enough to stand in for a meal."

I was super pleased with my decisiveness and sophistication. (insert self back patting here)

But there was a problem. I didn't know what to serve at the apero dinatoire. So on Tuesday I made a panicked call to Mr. Fox, who was at work. It went something like this:

Mr. Fox: (cheerily, he has caller ID and knows it's me) Hello, baby. How are you doing?

Me: (super serious voice) We need to talk. Do you have time?

Mr. Fox: (also super serious) Uh oh. Let me close my door.

(a few seconds pass as Mr. Fox gets up to close his office door)

Mr. Fox: (trying to be calming) So, what's up?

Me: (trying to deny panic) I don't know what we're going to serve on Thursday. (continually gaining speed) I mean, I've never done this sort of party and I'm not sure what you're supposed to serve and I don't know if I have enough time to prepare something good and there's nothing in the Julia Child recipe books about this and I don't know where to start and I'm thinking that we can have an antipasti but I don't know what else goes with it and I know we have to have enough food since it has to be a dinner replacement and...

Mr. Fox: (interrupting me, but still calm, and sounding a bit amused) Don't worry. I will come home early and we will work this out together. See you at 5?

Me: (relieved) Ok. See you at 5.

I really was relieved. And you know why I can say that? Because immediately after getting off the phone, I did a nervous jog/walk around the apartment before settling back down at the computer to search for recipes. I visited an old friend, AllRecipes.com and found this:

Fig and Olive Tapenade. Yummy yum yum!

And I felt buoyed by my awesome find! I also found a neglected Christmas gift and after some French translation, I was on my way.

The little Larousse Cake and Muffin Workshop with silicone muffin cups. Thank you random Christmas gift!

By the time Mr. Fox came home I had marked the recipes I wanted to try, made a shopping list of the ingredients we needed, and was completely calm. 

Fast forward, and Mr. Fox and I spent a few hours together chopping, mixing, and baking on Wednesday night. The apartment smelled wonderful and the kitchen was a mess. We had a great time.

Thursday evening brought myself, Mr. Fox and 6 of our friends together for a wonderful little party. 8 total people, and not one camera to be found! A good time was had by all, evinced by the 4 empty red wine bottles, stack of dirty plates, numerous dirty glasses, and 3 empty bottles of champagne. 

Here are a few pictures showing the aftermath:

3-1-1: empty champagne, beer, and coke bottles.  

More destruction, plus my lovely gifted orchids on the right and flower buckets in the center front. Thanks guys!

A good time was had by all. I'm a very lucky girl. *big smile*

Birthday Must Have

Greetings all! Today is my birthday and I've got lots to do for the gathering we will host tonight. Have a good day!

Gotta Have Foxy Tango!

During my first stint in Germany I made a great friend who introduced me to tango. Yeah, I knew what it was before and had always had wanted to try but it was never on my "Need to Do Now" list. She changed all that.

I went with her a couple of times to the local tango joint called Ballhaus Goldfisch (it's a dance school with the weirdest name) where she taught me how to walk backwards (more difficult than you imagine) and I was privy to sights like this:

Source.

And this:

Source.

It was hot.

So I've decided that Mr. Fox and I should cut the proverbial counterclockwise rug at our wedding for our first dance as Mr. and Mrs. I looked up the beginners' courses, prices, and schedules and presented it all to Mr. Fox. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: (in my super salesman voice) I think we should take tango lessons. (presenting my research) Wouldn't that be fun?

Mr. Fox: (hesitantly, as if he senses a set up) Uh, sure. You should if you want to.

Me: (defiantly) No, I mean us... as a couple. Like together.

Mr. Fox: No, it's okay if you do them by yourself.

Me: (realizing that I'm not gaining any ground) But I need a dance partner and I think it should be you.

Mr. Fox: (sensing he is winning) I don't mind if you dance with someone else. It's just dancing.

Me: (getting desperate) Yeah, but it's tango and your partner has to hold you really close. (I demonstrate the chest-to-chest tango hold.) Wouldn't you be upset if you saw someone else holding me like this?

Mr. Fox: (shrugs) Not really because I wouldn't be able to see since I won't be there.

Me: (smirking, under my breath) You've just opened up a whole can of worms with that one...

Needless to say, we are not yet taking tango lessons. I'm simply laying in waiting, biding my time...

Being BiContinental Means You Must Have Cash

Money.

Yup that stuff. (I heart Pink Floyd.) It's something that's been plaguing Mr. Fox and I from the start of our wedding planning. Every time we brainstorm about how to include as many members of our families as possible, the numbers following the $ and € signs just keep going up and up. His family is relatively easy to include... as long as we have the wedding in France since they all live relatively close to one another. My family, however, is difficult to include even if we have the wedding in the US since they are scattered all over the country and its territories. We must also consider that neither of our families are rolling in dough, so the decision was tough.

Initially we decided that in order to include as many people as possible, we would have the actual wedding take place in France (since we plan to live in Europe afterward) and then have a great reception in the US with everybody invited to everything.

Here's where one of the first stumbling blocks entered: US Reception Location. I would be moving to be with my honey in Europe sometime before the end of 2011. This meant that I would not be stateside to help with the planning of the event leaving the majority of planning go-sees and such to my mother, sister or other bridesmaids. We thought this would be an insane request for all but my mother, so the location was then narrowed down to Colorado Springs, CO.

Colorado Springs, CO. Pretty right? Source.

Not a bad start, or so I thought.

On to selection of the date and the venue. The date was not so difficult because it really depended on the date of the wedding... which had not yet been set. See? Easy. The venue was a bit more challenging. When I started trolling the internet looking for great places to have a reception those daunting $ signs popped up everywhere. It seemed that even if we decided to have our little soiree in CSP that we would easily spend an additional $5k on top of the wedding expenses, not including our travel costs. Yikes.

This revelation prompted some serious soul searching for me. Stumbling block number two had arrived. I remembered our first Family Reunion back in 2009 held in Colorado where many of my relatives struggled to attend (and many did not) due to the expense and time commitment. In actuality, the real reason to have the reception in the states was to be able to have my family present. What use would it be to spend so much only to celebrate with a small fraction of my family?

Mr. Fox and I then discussed dropping the domestic portion all together and just have a bigger wedding in France for everyone. It seemed like we'd have similar problems. First, it would require all the American invitees to fly internationally. Second, they would probably be unable to just come over for the weekend. Third, they'd have to plan much in advance especially if they needed to get a passport.

In summary: Big Cost + Big Planning + Big Time Commitment = Not Able to Attend.

After talking it over with a few family members, we decided it was a wash. Either option would force people out of their comfortable spending zone since either choice was going to be expensive for many, including us. Ultimately our backs were against a wall. Sadly, we scrapped the idea of having a US reception. The silver lining is that now we Foxes only have to focus on one destination venue instead of two, and in only one currency.

You Must Have An Appointment

"All we ever talk about anymore is the wedding."

This is a complaint I have heard from Mr. Fox on a few occasions so far but I can understand where he's coming from. Since I had to move to Europe to be with him, I had to get a Long Stay Visitors' visa for France. I do not intend to stay a "visitor" for long, however, since I really mean to stay here.

So I'm an immigrant.

Part of the fun (said in the cheekiest of manners) of immigration is the administrative part. France is (in)famous for its bureaucracy and I can clearly see why. I've been spending a lot of my time worried about the vague process I must undergo through L'Office Français de L'Immigration et de L'Intégration, or the OFII for short. It's been a rollercoaster ride so far, maybe I'll write about that later. But we finally got through the initial stages and I feel like I can breathe again. So since our appointment in January, I've finally given myself the OK to plan... and I've been in overdrive pretty much ever since. Hence the complaint from Mr. Fox.


At the suggestion of a buddy, I have instituted Sunday Brunch Wedding Discussion Appointments with Mr. Fox. We have started spending lazy Sunday mornings at various spots in the city having brunch and making wedding plans. Of course it does not mean that we do not talk about the wedding on other occasions, but having this dedicated plan has really made Mr. Fox feel as if we don't talk about it all the time. Problem solved!


Yesterday's SBWDA didn't yield much more than a discussion of paper bag luminaries vs. actual lanterns because it was gorgeous outside. We ended up cutting brunch short and taking a long, leisurely stroll. Here are a few pictures I took with my handy, dandy BlackBerry. Please excuse the graininess.

The Ryck 

Mr. Fox just being himself.

In the distance, masts of boats on the Greifswald harbor.

Fallen tree, still clinging to life. I found it compelling.

The (tracks) road less travelled.

Green, green grass even in early March.

Pretty architecture. And as you can see by the giant scarf of Mr. Fox, it was a bit chilly... only 8 degrees C (about 46 F).

I love ivy.

Not only live street musicians in their best Charles Dickens wear, but also an accordion to boot!

Weddings Must Have Challenges

Of course weddings must have challenges! Things that come easy are not worth having (or so the infamous "they" say). My wedding has a ton of challenges! Here's a list if you don't believe me:

1. Culture
I am American, Mr. Fox is French. The wedding customs don't exactly translate.

2. Logistics
See #1, add to it that we live in Germany. Vendor meetings and site visits are going to be a little challenging.

3. Language
No one in my family speaks French, only himself and one other family member is fluent in English. My own French is still quite poor. This means Mr. Fox must read and interpret all contracts for me prior to decision making. He must also draft all correspondence with vendors and then be the sole point of contact.

4. Money
We intend to pay for the wedding ourselves and I am currently not working.

5. General Wedding Interests of the Bride vs. General Wedding Interests of the Groom
This one is standard: men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Martians are only focused on food, wine and fun. Venutians are focused on everything else... especially the small details that no one will neither notice nor remember.

6. Religious Ceremony
We are both raised Catholic, so our families would like us to unite in a Catholic ceremony (I'm on their side too). Enter several challenges centered around logistics and language: where do we prepare? In what language?


7. Attire
I am a plus sized bride. The popular clothing world tends not to like us.
Mr. Fox has neither interest nor intention to wear a tuxedo, rented or otherwise.


8. Taste
Mr. Fox is anti golf cart.

Mr. Fox: Anti golf cart, even if it's blinged out like this. Source.

9. Culture: Cuisine
How do you translate something like foie gras and still get English-speaking people to eat it?
French people tend to think that all American food consists of stuff that you need ketchup to eat.


10. The Giveaway
I am not close with my father. We do not know each other very well and, as a consequence, he is not invited to the wedding. (Difficult call on my part.) Who is actually going to walk me down the aisle and give me away?


11. We're Asking A Lot
Regardless of where we have the wedding, guests on one side or the other will be required to spend significant amounts of money and time in order to attend.

And I think that about sums it up. Of course, there are a bunch more things that only pertain to me and my craziness, such as my desire to DIY as much as possible. But more about that later...

The LDR Must Have Gotten Out of Hand

Mr. Fox and I suffered through a long distance relationship for a year and a half. It was terrifically hard. Due to some of the fantastic bennies he's got with his job and an uncanny skill for thrift, added to a lucky business trip for me, and we were able to visit each other every 2 to 3 months.

Roaming the streets of Dordogne, France. August 2010.

Our 6th Monthaversary (October 2010) in Princeton, NJ.

In an elevator in Munich, Germany. May 2011.

Sunset over the Isle of Capri from Massa Lubrense, Italy. August 2011.

Ok, so the ridiculous picture show up above didn't accurately show every 2 to 3 months, but at least you get the idea. For us, getting on the plane to go back to reality just became increasingly harder with time. We actually reached the end of our ability-to-be-super-far-apart rope in early 2011. Being apart had become excruciating. 

So we had to make a big decision: Does he come to the US or do I go to Europe? 

Being the super organized engineer that he is, Mr. Fox made a spreadsheet with a list of the pros and cons of each option. (Being the emotional mess that I can be, I chatted the ears off my besties.) We then commenced to have a very long and difficult debate. Though the P/C list was virtually complete because Mr. Fox is super thorough, it was really hard to choose. How do you make such a choice? Both of us were in the midst of very promising careers, though mine was a few years behind his. Either way, one of us would be an immigrant with all the paperwork that follows. When considering the financial portion of the move, it seemed to be smarter to be sure we were both able to be working. Of course, language barriers had to be considered as well. In the end, Mr. Fox coming to the US was the best option... at the time.

Now that the decision had been made, Mr. Fox launched his second job: hunting for employment in the PA/NJ/NY region during one of the lowest points in the Recession. Ouch. It was not good. Mr. Fox got nothing. No interest. No emails. No responses. Nothing. It was very, very disheartening. He weathered the storm of nothingness for six months before we decided this tree would bear no fruit. So we had to go to Plan B.

Unfortunately, Plan B was a toughie. You see, it involved me moving to another country for a man. It didn't matter that this man was completely wonderful, perfect for me, loved me and was able to put in the work to show it. It mattered that I understood how fleeting these things are. It mattered that I didn't want to throw everything away for the idea of a future. It mattered that I wanted needed security.  

I needed a tangible promise. I needed a ring.

So Plan B didn't start off so well. You could say that I was unreasonable, or emotional, or bossy, or whatever, but the thing is that since I left my childhood home, I have never let my future be defined by another person. I have refused to let others hold me back. I would not be one of those girls that lost her head and everything else for love because, you see, I had quite a lot to lose. Not that Mr. Fox didn't, but his rebound would be much easier. His parachute was packed quite well.

I think Mr. Fox understood this. His actions said he did because, soon after, we began planning our engagement.

Was I unreasonable?

Must You Have A Theme?

I suppose I rushed into things and never really told you all the basic details of the wedding that we're planning. Surely I should list my inspiration and vision for the event but I must admit that both are a bit vague. It all started with this (cue fade-out and "flashback" music):

Gorgeous Yuzen paper from Paper Source

When Mr. Fox and I had decided that we would soon be engaged, I started doing what most sane (or insane, take your pick) women do: I began looking for wedding inspiration. For some reason I decided that invitations were the thing that I was in love with at the moment and went on a hunt. My friend Google directed me to some wonderful places and I discovered Wedding Paper Divas and Paper Source. With the Divas, I was having trouble finding something that really fit me though I was enamored by several things just like this:

Lovely Fall-Themed invitation from Wedding Paper Divas.

When I thought I had something just about right, it would be just too expensive to get the whole suite. Then there was the Goldilocks problem where something was just not quite right, just didn't quite fit though it was eye-catching and beautiful. So I gave up after looking at every. single. one. of their offerings and not seeing mine and Mr. Fox's names emblazoned upon them. On to Paper Source!

Once on PS I wandered over to their How To & Workshops page. Browsing around, I hatched the idea that I could simply DIY (or DIMyself, though DIM looks bad) the invitations and make them exactly what I wanted them to be!!! (cue triumphant trumpets) This is when I started to check out their wondrous paper assortment and found the Japanese Yuzen papers. I took a course in origami way back when I was a tot and fondly remembered the lovely, delicate papers. When I saw the Red Pink Brown leaves pattern above, I had found my muse! I was inspired! I felt excitement welling up in my stomach and just had to order! (cue whipping out credit card sound effect) 

The wedding decoration details, the colors, the theme were summarized so well for me in that gorgeous sheet of rice paper. I decided then and there that we would have a fall-themed wedding (think falling leaves everywhere) with red as the main color with accents of dark orange, tan and pink. The venue should exude a warm, welcoming feel that reminds you of mulled apple cider and comfy sweaters. I was off! ...and ahead of myself. We hadn't even gotten engaged yet!!!

Guests Must Have Seats

I have to confess that I have become a bit of a wedding blog junkie since I really got into planning mode. Daily, you can find me cruising The Knot, WeddingBee, and most recently Our Labor of Love blog and Snippet & Ink. One thing that I have read repeatedly is that as the Big Day comes closer, things just seem to pile up and it's best to get whatever you can out of the way as soon as you can. Of course, this might just be in the mind of the overloaded, emotional, excited bride, but it is a pretty well known phenomenon within every project.

We had previously planned a trip to France for the tasting with our potential caterer and a meeting with our potential photographer. Unfortunately, we've had to postpone the trip until the first week of April due to unforeseen circumstances. So of course this means we've also had to push back the vendor appointments to the first week of April as well. So now I feel as if the lovely forward progress I had been experiencing has been brought to an end. (Insert Sad Face here.) In the meantime I am occupying myself with knitting and pointless internet games.

The 4-foot long scarf I am knitting with really cool yarn.

Pointless internet game. Don't judge.

But another thing that I am occupying myself (and Mr. Fox) with is the seating chart for the reception. We decided that guests at our wedding will have not only assigned tables but also assigned seats. Due to the bi-continental nature of the wedding, those in attendance
will be a mixture of people who speak English or French, and in some instances both languages, so it is important to make sure that the people next to you can at least talk to you. Yes, I know that it is super early to be doing such a thing, we have only just sent out the Save-the-Dates and did not request any form of RSVP. But I have decided it is better to be doing something rather than nothing at all while I wait.

To be honest, for some odd reason, I thought that this would be a simple task. You know, that simple task that you tend to start a huge undertaking with so that you knock it out and can feel good about yourself. That easy thing that you use to claim progress. Uh, no. This was not simple at all.

The first thing we had to do was to establish who on Mr. Fox's side spoke English. Didn't start too well. Mr. Fox does not really know who speaks English and who does not because, yeah, of course, he rarely speaks English with his friends. So this took some heavy detective (read: guess) work.

Second, was to ask a bunch of questions: Do these guests know each other? Would they get along? Do they have things in common? Would they be able to have interesting conversation? Will they actually have fun together? This last question was super important to me. Assumptions had to be made. However, I learned a long time ago that when you assume you make an ass out of both you and me. So answering these questions was really difficult because I want all of my our guests to have a super good time. Not just good. Super good. My standards are high.

But we ran into a wall here. There were just a few names that did not fit. Anywhere. They were the odd (wo)men out. What do you in this case? We're planning to have round tables with 8 guests each. What happens when you have that one guest who will come alone and doesn't exactly fit anywhere? Mr. Fox and I obsessed about this question over two weekend breakfasts. Nothing like a little seating chart controversy with your spiegeleier.

Weddings Must Have Guests

Is making a guest list a difficult task for everyone? The Knot's 30 Expert Tips and Tricks suggested we make our guest list before we decide our budget since the number of guests really drives the cost. We already had a budget in mind, so we were working a bit backwards.

I had a really hard time making my side of the guest list as opposed to Mr. Fox who zipped through listing all his 86 invitees. Why was it so hard for me? It's not like it's an exam, but even so, I felt that there were right and wrong answers. I wasn't hung up on the "Oh, you invited me so I have to invite you" thing because, sadly (maybe not sadly), I have only been invited to 2 weddings in the past 10 years (as opposed to Mr. Fox who has been invited to like 6 in the past 6 years). The difficulty came from several sources.

Things like I have a huge family. Like really huge. Like 19 siblings on my mother's side huge. Yeah that huge.

And then there is the sticky mess which is my relationship with my father and his side of the family. The sticky mess which really is not much of a relationship at all. The sticky mess which is a bit awkward when you start to consider who in tarnation will walk you down the aisle. But more about that later.

And there's also the fact that I am terrible, yes completely terrible, at keeping in touch with people (even in the age of Facebook). A fact which is exacerbated by the fact that I have moved around quite a bit.

So it's difficult for me, see. Difficult because I'm not brazen enough to think that these people remember me so fondly, let alone care enough to come to my wedding. I don't really think I'm oh-so-important or that our friendship back then was so Earth-shattering for them. Because, I forgot to mention, the wedding is going to be held in France.

France: Home of wine, food, love and culture. Source

I mean, I'm asking people, who I probably haven't spoken to in however long, to pony up thousands of dollars during a time where people generally do not have thousands of dollars lying around. Additionally, I am asking them to probably get a passport if they didn't have one already and use a week of vacation to come see me. It's a lot. I know.

So it was difficult to make the list. I mean I had the usual handfull of "needs" to be there folks and the "would be nice" to be there folks in the family, but I kept getting lost when it came down to the people under the heading "friends". I added. I subtracted. I discussed with Mr. Fox. His opinion often was, "Whatever you feel is right." (Mostly because he's never met most of my friends.) And I added again. And subtracted again. I can't say I lost sleep over it, but the final product took a lot of effort.

Effort is only effort when it begins to hurt.  ~José Ortega y Gassett

Source

In the end I decided to just try. I made sure that people whom I could say I was close to at one time or another were on that list. These people were the ones I wanted there when things came full circle. When I have completed the rites making us husband and wife in the eyes of God and the law.

We ended up with a list comprised of 150 living, breathing, eating and drinking souls. It changed our budget quite a bit but, in the end, I was happy.

Did you have trouble putting together your guest list? What helped you decide on the difficult ones?

Must Have: Transportation

Recently, Mr. Fox decided that we should start thinking about wedding day transportation. More specifically, how we will get me and my white dress over a lush, green lawn without completely ruining said white dress if it rains. Off to the brainstorming room I went! (There is no actual brainstorm room...) A few days later, this is the conversation we had:

Me: (with wild eyes of imagination) I have an awesome idea about how to get myself to the reception without ruining the dress.

Mr. Fox: (skeptical eyebrow raise) Oh yeah? Tell me.

Me: (triumphantly) A golf cart!

Mr. Fox: (with no hesitation) Um, no.

Me: (in my best door-to-door salesman "you absolutely NEED this product" voice) Why not?!?! It can be completely awesome! We can trick it out...

Mr. Fox: (sounding completely unconvinced) Trick it out???

Tricked out golf cart. Source.

Me: (frantically, sensing the idea was not going over well) Yeah! You know, like decorate it and make it look cool and stuff and I've always wanted one and wouldn't it be cool for you to drive a golf cart?!!?

Mr. Fox: Try again.

Conversation and idea killed.

Have any of you had awesome ideas vetoed by your fiance? What was your awesome idea and why did they veto it?

For the Big Day You Must Have a Budget

When I got engaged I was really short on ideas about weddings. I have not been dreaming about my wedding since I was a little girl, I only knew I wanted to get married and have children one day. Hey, I'm an engineer. We are not known for being creative or artsy. We are known for being organized. Strangely enough, when it comes to my wedding all my engineer-y organized-ness goes out the window. This really caused me quite a bit of stress in the beginning because, well, in a way I am pretty competitive and I really, really, really wanted my wedding to be awesome!!! But how was I supposed to do that, considering I did not already subscribe to Martha Stewart Weddings??? I didn't know where to start. So I went to the box of truth (as my bestie calls the computer with an internet connection) and I Googled it!

Google's Carnival 2012 Doodle. Source

Boy!!! I knew weddings were a huge deal but I had no clue how huge until I saw the multitude of pages of advice and examples and service offers. Floored! <--That was me. I couldn't choose which link to click first. So I closed the page and went straight to theknot.com. I had previously spent lots of time on the site reading articles about engagement rings and such. Mr. Fox had been overwhelmed with the task of asking me to marry him since I am American and he wanted to live up to my US requirements (story about that later). Of these I had no clue, but somehow in my searching I had asked the box of truth for help and found the knot. It's a great website for starting the flow of creative juices. They have useful things like an entire section on planning with links to every and anything that has to do with a wedding.

Off I went to Knot-tingham. After getting lost in the luscious photo galleries and "Top 10" lists (because I am an engineer who likes pretty things), I finally made my way back to the number one thing everyone needs to get started: the dreaded wedding budget. The knot has a nice, easy-reading article called "Wedding Budget 101". For novices like me, it helped to highlight the major categories involved in the wedding and their simple percentage breakdowns helped me to understand the relative importance of each. I used this as the baseline for the budget planning. Additionally, they have a section on Planning Basics which explains those major categories and the details they cover. Engineer-y organized-ness restored!

Since Mr. Fox and I will be paying for the wedding ourselves, I have to make a hard sell with every detail that he does not feel is necessary (and to him and his French sensibilities, the only necessities are good food and wine). Mr. Fox is a tough nut to crack, especially when money is involved, especially since we intend to follow our budget as closely as possible (the mantra of every Project Manager). He did not see the value in spending 10-12% of our total budget on a photographer. So ladies, if your fiance is anything like Mr. Fox, be prepared with real reasons why you NEED these things. Emotion does not move a man like Mr. Fox to spend his money. It was invaluable to find out what was important to Mr. Fox because he will feel included (and be interested!) in planning an event where most fiances tend to feel left out. And, to be honest, being forced to justify all the line items on the list really helped me to focus on what about the wedding is actually important to me and not get caught up in the hype of the wedding machine.

Do you have a fiance who is hard to convince? What did you find was most important to him?

Long Distance Relationship Must Haves

Most people will tell you that long distance relationships do not work. And they're right. They tend not to. However, I have learned that the LDR can completely work if, and only if both you and your partner are willing to make it work.

Over the year and a half that Mr. Fox and I were in our LDR, we learned how to be together while being apart. He called me every day before bed, which was the end of my work day since we were 6 hours apart. I called him for a short chat during my quick commute to work in the morning. We Skyped on the weekends.

It was tough to be far apart and unable to share normal couple things like going to the movies, cooking dinner together, laughing about the weird thing you saw in the street while walking together. We had none of that. What really saved us is that we both love. to. talk. Love it! We talked about any and everything. We learned so much about each other as people. Whenever we disagreed we really had to talk it out. There was no way to cuddle and kiss and forget the anger. Being long distance made our relationship stronger.

But honestly, his load of vacation days, motivation to travel, and great money saving skills really helped us go the distance (in more than one way). We made the sacrifice to spend every vacation together, even though my significantly smaller load of vacation days meant that I worked at least half the time he was with me. He spent plenty of time practicing his "house husband" skills in my Central New Jersey apartment. Not exactly an ideal vacation, but he was there for me, and that's all that mattered to him.

New Jersey. That's us in the Central part. Source.

I learned that it really matters to be on the same page if you cannot be in at least the same state. I learned mobile phone companies offer discounted international calling rates. I learned that reporting daily activities, no matter how mundane, really makes a difference. I learned how to love without touch. I learned patience is the most important LDR must have.

Do you have a LDR love story? What did you learn was most important?

Must Have: Backstory (Part 3)

So I was off! Making friends with other adventurers, people who looked for opportunity outside the confines of their own culture and country. We celebrated Lunar New Year, had crêpe parties, and contrasted our different experiences and cultures. It was enlightening. It was exciting. And in the end it was an awesome good time.

Mr. Fox happened to be one of these fun folks I was spending lunches and weekends with. He was a constant source of coffee (of which I was not accustomed to drinking), chat about politics and history, and information about being a "Professional French". He was a good friend who always knew the weather and made bad jokes about anything. His dry sense of humor and nerdiness made him super interesting. But he was never on my dating radar... Until he put himself there.

One evening we ended up on a date. Of course it's not quite common to just "end up" on a date, but this is exactly what we did. We had coordinated with a colleague to meet up and check out Mr. Fox's new in-home surround sound speaker system and then have dinner together. Unfortunately, the colleague decided that he had a pressing date with a TV show and couldn't do dinner. Thus, I ended up alone with Mr. Fox. No big deal, right? We'd hung out together before, right? Well, of course! But never alone.

Apparently, Mr. Fox had been harboring some very strong feelings for me but just never knew how to make them known. So he took the chance. Over burgers at the Humboldt, he reached for my hand, held it gently in his, and told me that he couldn't let me leave Germany without telling me how he felt.

Where we had our first "date" and Germans doing their thing in the cold.

I was completely floored. This guy who I had been spending so much time with wanted to be in a relationship with me?!?! I had no idea how to respond. The food seemed to be too heavy, the drinks not cold enough, the room too crowded. Somehow I choked down my burger and asked for the check, making small talk about randomness and avoiding eye contact. What was I supposed to do? I was frantic.

But of course, I forgot to mention one crucial point: I was supposed to be leaving for the US for good in a month. Mr. Fox couldn't have had worse timing. At the time, I was in the process of wrapping up my lovely experience, packing up my apartment, and making myself mentally ready to return stateside. He turned my world upside down that night, well, because I realized that I liked him too. He was perfect for me, I just had never seen it. We were great friends because he was just right.

It was the first time that I had actually had a real, platonic relationship with a man that really was taking that turn into the romance zone for both sides. The feelings were not unrequited, just unacknowledged. I realized that leaving him in Germany would not have to be the end of the relationship. It could work if both of us would be willing to make it work.

I called Mr. Fox the next day and invited him over. We had a very frank conversation about where we go from here. I was honest, he was honest. We shared our fears and our hopes and our wants and needs. And when he kissed me, everything was all right.

Have you ever had a platonic relationship take that turn into romance land? How did it go?

Must Have: Backstory (Part 2)

Last post was about how I ended up in Germany in the first place. Now I'll tell you about my cool new job. The atmosphere of the new job couldn't have been more different from my old one. The majority of my department was made up of guys my age. Huge difference from before where the average age was 55. I was super juiced! Not only would I be learning new skills to make my resume bright and shiny, but I actually had the possibility of having fun with my coworkers! Not that older men are not fun, but they aren't exactly the people to call for a pub crawl on Friday night. They tend to be married and more interested in happy hour.  They have wives and children to go home to. Guys my age would be down for the pub crawl! (Or so I thought...) I soon found out that:

1. Not many of my new colleagues spoke English. (Most of them were German.)
2. They tended to have wives or girlfriends and young children. (Not interested in happy hour or pub crawls.)
3. I am a girl. A single girl. Single girls do not get invited by with non-single guys.
4. I was going to spend many evenings and weekends alone, playing Canasta on Yahoo.

Y!Canasta

Add to all of that a minimum 6-hour time difference and you get my situation. It took a long time for me to make friends. My colleagues were polite, but not friendly. We had polite office chat with coffee. They were all too concerned about speaking proper English to really speak to me. :(  Engineers tend not to be the most socially adept group. Add to that gender, language and culture differences, and you've got one lonely American girl.

Enter the Multi-Culti English-speaking group. A multicultural group of brave people in my department who were either not German or German and interested in improving their English. I found ways to insert myself into their lunch outings by offering to help them better their English. Additionally, I was the local US expert and the recent election was great conversation fodder. I was in! New friendships were just waiting to be made!

Have you ever found yourself in a new situation needing to find a way to make friends? How did you accomplish that?