Sometimes You Must Feel Like An A**

I am having a case of writers' block. I didn't know why until just a few moments ago: it's because I feel like a Grade A A**hole.

Last week, I wrote the post Being BiContinental Means You Must Have Cash detailing the dilemma surrounding the location of our wedding, either somewhere in the US or France. I had a really hard time writing that post. It took me all day and several sessions to get it out and keep it from being a novel. I wanted to emphasize that my family would probably not be able to afford a trip to Colorado or New Jersey and that having it in France would be equally as difficult and expensive for them. I recall it being very important to explain the situation well enough so that I didn't make myself seem too much of a d*ck who is just super selfish and not really considering the financial woes of others. 


I think I failed at that. Failed terribly. 


The post is on my mind and has been since I put it out there. I'm having a hard time being witty while I feel like I wrote something that wasn't completely true. But maybe it was genuine and I am a d*ck.


In the end, I've realized that this whole wedding planning thing has forced me to discover and admit quite a few things about my personality, my family, and my reality.


As far as my family is concerned, I've had to admit to myself that we simply are not close. My mother's side of the family is really, really huge. There were 20 children. I've got aunts and uncles I have never met because they either live on Guam or were deceased before I was born. I've got goodness knows how many cousins, and they've got quite a few kids between them. We had a family reunion for my mother's side of the family in 2009 and so few of those invited actually came. Yes, it had a lot to do with money (we are far from being wealthy people, about that there was no lie) but it also had to do with us just not being close. Like so un-close that there are relatives that are completely uninterested in getting to know the rest of us. 


And I struggle with this. 


So, in all honesty, besides France being a super awesome place to get hitched, I have also chosen it because it gives people a convenient excuse not to attend. If their RSVP comes back with regrets (or not at all), my feelings will at least be less hurt because I can think that they simply cannot afford it, not that they don't want to know me.